Father Ted: There he is so. Risen from the dead. Like that fella... ET

And never a more true word said in jest as the 1sts continue their rise up Div3. After languishing in the bottom two for almost 3 months, two massive results lift them clear of the relegation zone at the expense of Barnes III, who now swap places with Byfleet.

There is still a long way to go, but Byfleet have finally shown what they have been capable of all season in the last two games. An 11am against Barnes III at Sheen school was this weeks excursion against a very capable Barnes side. The side was re-organized slightly thanks to injuries and Dee Evans moved up to left half/wing, which proved an inspired move.

She used to be a striker in previous years, so thanks to her saying that, she was given a forward role, which she probably regrets mentioning now. There was good, strong hockey from both sides and Barnes slammed the ball against the post 7 minutes in, only for it to be frantically cleared, which served as a wake up call to Byfleet.

But with a slightly new midfield shape, Byfleets Rachel Launey gave them the lead on 14 mins. Excellent midfield interplay opened up the Barnes defence and Launay flicked in the ball for 1-0. Byfleet looked more settled than they have been in a long time, and were weathering the Barnes storm. So much so that another cross from the left by Evans only needed a touch as it whizzed across the face of goal. And you just hope that Byfleet don't do anything stupid to concede a goal, after last weeks clean sheet.

So 4 mins after the restart all the good work in the 1st half is wasted as a complete mix up in defence leaves the goalie out of her area as she clears and Barnes Bronwyn McCallister slams the ball in for 1-1. All you needed were a couple of custard pies, coco the clown and some whooppee cushions to finish off the effect. oooh, its behind you.!!. The next 15 was probably Barnes strongest of the game as they pressed on and looked more likely to score, forcing several short corners. Funnily enough we didn't have one in the entire 1st half.? But a gift of a goal has lifted their entire team.

Both sides are moving the ball on the counter and it looks certain that Byfleet have thrown away 3 points and will draw to remain at the bottom with Thames Valley or worse lose and go 4 points behind Barnes, which is where they were in December. But in a frantic final 10 minutes, Byfleet dug something out from the depths, going so deep they almost struck oil.

Dee Evans shifts the ball up the wing, weaving and bobbing like Father Jack in search of a beer. Doing a give and go with Rachel Kemp, Evans slips inside and finds Lezanne Denton, whose instant shot is superbly saved by the keeper. But up pops emergency striker Evans who continued her run, with the Byfleet spectators shouting, "Ah, Go on, Go on, Go on.!" in honour of Mrs Doyle, Evans slaps the ball into the corner, off the outstretched foot of the last Barnes defender 3 mins from time for 2-1.

Dramatic ending, and Byfleet had enough common sense to keep the ball wide in the final minutes to run the clock down.

And there's just enough time for the thought of the day, read by Father Jack Hackett;

Heading here.

Match report to follow.

Heading here.

Match report to follow.

King Leonidas I of Sparta sends his regards.

In 480 BC there was a battle in Greece.
A Battle at a place called Thermopylae.
An Allied force of approximately 7,000 men started off defending the pass at Thermopylae.
After two days of battle against a Persian army numbering between 70,000 to 250,000 men, they were betrayed by a local who showed the Persians the secret path to outflank them.
Aware that his force was being outflanked, King Leonidas dismissed the bulk of the Greek army, and remained to guard the rear with 300 Spartans, 700 Thespians, 400 Thebans and perhaps a few hundred others. The vast majority of them were killed in one of the worlds greatest and epic last stands against overwhelming odds and gave rise to the legend of the 300 Spartans.

And so we come to top of the Div3 table, high flying London Wayfarers III V Byfleet Ramblers I, stuck in the bottom two on 6 pts with Thames Valley. Two teams a world apart and on paper it looked a formality for Wayfarers as they had swept nearly all before them.

But with nothing left to lose and being honourary members of the "Awkward Squad" you just play your game to the plan you worked out. For the 1st time all season, Byfleet had their entire normal team selection available and players were slotted into their original positions, rather than covering injured players slots.

And as expected, the full frontal attack by Wayfarers started from the first whistle. Lots of movement and fast switching of play across the field typified their game. But Byfleets plan was to hold the middle and channel them into wide positions, thanks to a packed midfield. It started off as the Christmas tree formation, then evolved into the Christmas pudding and finally ended up as Pi. 3.1.4.2 (Or the Ginsters and Pukka Pi formation as spectators will say in years to come.). With a variation called the Shamrock formation as they seemed to have the luck of the Irish about them (go on, go on, go on).

But the middle held, as Wayfarers simply couldn't penetrate, resorting to slamming in wide balls looking for the runners who were being marked out of the game. After about 20 minutes of this all out assault, it was still 0-0 and you sensed the storm had smashed itself out against the Byfleet defence. You knew it was working when the Wayfarers right wing deliberately hit her stick against Dee Evans shin in total frustration, that earned her a green card and she was lucky not to get a yellow. People looked around and had the same unspoken thought, "Were still in this.!, is this all they have.?"

Discipline was the key factor and some of the Wayfarers players had started to lose theirs, as the easy victory seemed to have stalled for them, which totally justified the team formation, tactics and game plan. Hold them out, frustrate them and snatch something from the match on the counter, was the mantra repeated by the coach. Everyone was marking tightly and denying Ways any time on the ball or find an opening to exploit any gaps. It had worked brilliantly so far, and then came the magic 5 minutes.

Excellent high pressing and counter attacking saw Rachel Launey slip the ball to Karen Billingham, and she is one person you do NOT want to have possession 9 yards out. From a first time shot she slammed the ball into the opposite left hand corner on 27 mins. You couldn't make it up, 1-0 to Byfleet against the majority of the play. But Wayfarers then got suckered twice more, as Billingham added a second 2 mins later on 29 mins to leave Wayfarers stunned to be 2-0 down to one of the bottom teams. Its funny, but if you listened carefully, you would swear that you could hear the cheers of Leonidas and the Spartans as they voiced their approval for the underdogs. There's something to be said for being bloody minded.

With Wayfarers totally knocked back, Byfleet kept pressing high up the field and another interception from Rachel Kemp allowed Billingham to get her third right on half time, to score one of the fastest hatricks in the clubs history, with 3 goals in less than 5 mins. Half time and a ridiculous scoreline of 3-0 in favour of the home side. Part of you felt sorry for Wayfarers, but to use some of the words of Oscar wilde,


-To lose one is a shame,
-to lose two is unfortunate,
-but to lose three is downright careless.

But if it had been tough before, it became a mission of intent in the 2nd half to still deny Ways, as Billingham pulled a muscle right at the start and could not carry on. So Byfleet played the entire 2nd half with just 10 players, having no subs this week. It wasn't exactly a "backs to the wall" situation, more like a "Leaning against the near post with a rather provocative smile and evil glint in your eye to try and score past us" situation.

And for the remaining 33 mins Wayfarers were ceded lots of possession as before and they did start to force penalty corners this time, but the 5 defenders held the line each time. With numerous stick blocks seeing the ball deflect and wizz over and around the bar, and keeper Alice getting her body in the way to work the angles perfectly. It just wouldn't go in as Byfleet were determined to keep a clean sheet, because if just one went in Wayfarers would definitely build up a momentum which would have spelled disaster.

You were watching the clock, you couldn't help it, as it ran down from 25 to 20 to 15 mins in almost slow motion. Sue Atherton twice had the chance to catch Ways on the break as they had left only one person back but two good saves from the keeper spared Wayfarers any further embarrassment. And finally the whistle came to end a game that Wayfarers were probably glad to see the back of, and probably confused the majority of people on fixtureslive when the result was texted in. (Oh its probably a typo, this sort of thing doesn't happen, I am sure they will fix it in the morning.)

Sport always throws up the unexpected and amazing results, but sheer determination produced this one, although some of the spectators were on the lookout for a big, fat, bald bloke, painted Orange shouting "You've Been Tangoed.!", but he couldn't be found, probably in the bar.

Final thoughts, ?
The Spartans were defeated because the Persians got behind, outflanked and finally overran them through sheer numbers. You hold the middle and you stand your ground shoulder to shoulder with your team mates and victory is within your grasp. As for the opposition.?, maybe if there had been a few more Persians, Thebans and Thespians playing for them things may have been different.
But today King Leonidas and the people of Sparta, this one's for you.!
THIS IS BYFLEET.!

Finally something nice to write about, after having to endure too many weeks of negative scores. Well a 5-0 defeat of Thames Valley helps, in a game that was more like a 6 pointer. Defeat for Byfleet would have seen Valley on 9 and leave them stuck on 3pts at the bottom of Div3. Yes its only halfway through the season, but the majority of teams in Div3 are on 12 or 9 pts so they had to stay in contention.

Scoring and keeping clean sheets seemed to have evaded the 1sts, so they made up for both in a comprehensive and dominant performance against Valley. This was the team that had stuck 5 past Leatherhead and four past Wanderers, so they were no mugs. But the rise in Byfleets game during the past 4 weeks has been based on good training, tactics and the old trick of 'putting people in their natural positions'. And not turning up hung over from the night before.

They went at Valley form the start, picking up from last weeks game against Wayfarers and Karen Billingham opened the scoring on 12 mins, rifling a shot into the roof of the net. Then Lezanne Denton's clever draw of the keeper saw Billingham with the easiest of tapp ins for 2-0 on 18 mins that even she could not miss. With the new Rachel, Rachel Kemp slamming in the 3rd on 24.

By this time Byfleet were all over Valley as they won all the individual battles across the pitch. Amanda Alkema maintained Byfleets dominance with the 4th 9 mins into the 2nd half, from the tightest of angles and Sue Atherton made it 5-0 on 13 mins. The movement was good, we kept possession well and the penalty corners were going in hard and making the Valley keeper work.

Over the past few weeks the 1sts have gone from virtual down and outs to some of the most eligible women in England after this performance, and the release of the Captains pre-match psyching up routine of pulling funny faces in the mirror before matches has now been released to the local press. As one spectator said afterwards, "I like the 1sts because they are women and not men and don't have beer guts." Which only goes to show that he needs to get out more and see more ladies hockey matches.

But the overall result was the thing and they have dragged themselves off the bottom and swapped places with Valley on goal difference, with 10 more games to go. It was just left to have a slap up binge at Mrs Miggins Pie shop, with her pre christmas half price offers. And a great chance to see some of the French language students get conned into buying some of her horses Willies that she calls bangers. Although the last laugh was on her when they made her eat her own food. Now that is funny.

Kevin Keegan once famously told Paul Scholes to "Go out there and drop hand grenades all over the pitch", when playing for England. Well we never expected our 2nd XI to do it for real.? Turning up for the game at St Georges College we were met by the very stern face of the Surrey Police and Army Bomb disposal squad tapeing off the access to some of the grounds with the car park officer explaining, "Its okay its nothing serious."

There now follows a revised explanation of the word serious, which involves the clearing of an old lodge and the discovery of some old WWII explosive devices(Grenades to you and me). Personally we had to make do with the slipper and cane in my days..

Anyway a superbly co-ordinated action plan went into operation, as the police officer put up some 1 inch "Police do not cross" tape, and now feeling very protected, we all parked our cars 1/4 mile form the pitch, walked over the rugby pitch to the astro, whilst the Officers and men of the bomb squad carried out a controlled explosion on the items on waste ground. We are not too sure how big the hole in the ground was afterwards, but the Army left the police to look into it.

After that, any report will seem boring. But worth a try..

Richmond only had 10, but we did not make the extra player count as we spent the 1st half trying to figure out who we were. Although with lots of possession we should have done something with it, but the vital spark of invention seemed to be a bit dull. Probably covreed in dust from the Army.

The 2nd half was a much better affair, as we started strongly and welcomed back Debs Lewis up front and we looked a much better side in front of goal. Which means roughly that we were putting shots on target. but the 2nds paid for the 1st half malaise, by shipping two quick goals 10 and 13 minutes in.

thankfully Debs was back and finally got her eye in with a trademark shot on 19 mins for 2-1. But we should never have been chasing the game in the 1st place. Everyone thought we had snatched an equaliser 2 mins later as another Debs shot went straight into the corner with two Byfleet players waiting at the back post. the shot came from outside and all they had to do was put a stick down for any touch. But they both admitted they had missed it, which is two fingers up to Mr Thiery Henry and very honest and fair. They forced short corners and had other chances, but it stayed at 2-1 to Richmond.

Its flooding, raining and miserable, so what a great week to be playing on grass. A wonderful opportunity for the 3rds to experiance the thrill of hockey as it used to be played, against London transport at NPL's ground. Any thoughts of a call-off were wiped away as the pitch was in superb condition. ( benefits of a private groundsman, much cherished in the 80's when we all played on grass.)

A good game for those who remembered their football boots, and an even better one for two of Ferrets friends who came along and bagged two goals.

Well done to Lisa who umpired on her own, despite her back and many thanks to LT for the teas afterwards along with the chance to get some dry clothes on.

Its not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog. So spoke general Storming Norman Schwarzkopf commander in chief of allied forces in the liberation of Kuwait in the 1st gulf war 1990-91 under the codename of Operation Desert Shield and Desert Storm. You may be outnumbered, outmanned, outgunned and sometimes outmanouvered. But if you stick together and fight your corner for yourself and your mates alongside you, the team wins. Plus having several dozen squadrons of B-52's, Stealth fighter bombers, F-111 bombers, F-15 tactical fighters, 750,000 troops and the British SAS does tend to even things up a little bit.

After a mediocre start to the season there had been a rapid improvement for Byfleet 1sts over the last 3 games, from the shambolic performance against Leatherhead to the improvement but unjust result against Richmond. But it was the game against London Wayfarers 2 that would be the watershed. Last season they all but ran away with this division and should have been promoted, but for the league to restructure and keep them in Div3, much to everyones joy. And on the back end of an 8-3 and 5-1 defeat home and away, the timing of the game could not have come at a worse time. Seemingly on the ropes and shipping goals with just 3 points stuck at the bottom of the Division, the 1sts would rather have not had this game.

But sport always produces the unexpected and at the final whistle Wayfarers must have walked off the pitch and thought, how did we win this one.? In a game that some in Byfleet had already written off before the start, thinking a 4-0 defeat would be a good result, but ended up bitterly disappointed that they had not got at least a point from after this performance. The overall summary was a strong start from Wayfarers who scored following up a rebound on 11 minutes, but then proceeded to get an absolute battering from Byfleet, who had 1 goal dis-allowed, had another chance hit the post and had the ball cleared off the line at least once, with a chest high save from the wayfarers defender the highlight.

The possession and movement were good and the changes in tactics worked superbly as we knew they are the team to beat in Div3 and we built the team around this. And they really took the game to Wayfarers, but you have to take your chances at this level. Too many times we had players unmarked in the area and a simple pull back to the penalty spot would have found them. At one point they were queueing up like F16's on the road to Kuwait City ready to pull the trigger, but that little bit of composure to check your run, lookup and just give the simple 45 degree pass from the backline did not come off. 1-0 at half time and were still in a game that last season was over midway through the 1st half at 4-1 down. 30 seconds after the restart we have the ball on the defenders foot, it springs up and Launay is smashing it in only for the penalty corner to be awarded.

To be honest it was one of those tight calls and we were grateful for the corner, but would rather have had the goal. We didn't convert the PC, but for the remainder of the half it looks like its just a matter of time, as un-characteristicly we seem to be dominating a game for the 1st time this season. Another great chance sees Billingham's shot pop up and only a chest high reflex save from the defender saves the goal as it deflects wide. And as usually happens Wayfarers went up the other end on the break 7 mins from time, fed the ball across the D and the first time slap-shot goes into the corner of the goal for 2-0. You couldn't make it up.

But 2 mins later Byfleet's hard work gives them another penalty corner and Billinghams strike hits the post to bounce out with the gods definitely not smiling on them today. In the final minute they get their goal, as Launay picks up the strike rebound for 2-1, but a disappointing end to a game that started off as a damage limitation exercise, then turned into a journey of hope, only for the cruellest of twists at the end to dash all hopes. But if the 1sts can take all the positives from their performance there is a long way to go yet in this season and probably quite a few twists as well.

A great game to watch and play in and we have to make the point about the Wayfarers umpire, Hoppo. What a great guy, after some mediocre performances this season and one truly unjust and biased one, it was so good to have someone on the other side of the pitch who knew what they were doing and let the game flow and was fair and just in every decision. Thank you Wayfarers and thank you Hoppo.;-)

Word on the loan of a stealth bomber is still being negotiated, but personally I can't see it myself.

Sorry, can't help myself, but a game of two halves (cliche), and no I do not get paid for writing this, it just happens spontaneously, rather like government economic policy only with more colours.. ..So the 1st half sees Leatherhead dominate and score two goals, 2nd half sees Byfleet dominate and miss 6 goals, with Leatherhead scoring 1.

Do you need anything else.?, okay two goals in 4 mins for Leatherhead as two deflected strikes at the top of the 'D' hit Katys feet both times to send the keeper the wrong way on 12 and 15 mins for a 2-0 lead to Leatherhead. We did look all at sea during this half as we did not close them down quickly enough. And Katies ankles were also starting to swell badly.

But a changeround at half time saw Leia ( no relation to Star Wars princess), and Kim moved further forward. end result, and almost complete turnaround for the 2nd half as the midfield cut open Leatherheads defence with some superb and incisive passing. It only needed the final touch from the forwards, but they had definately left their shooting hats at home.

Quite honestly how we did'nt manage to bag at least a couple of goals is going to be discussed long into the night after this one. We definately missed some of the regulars who would have had those chances, but we ended up rueing the misses as Leatherhead broke from the left with a high ball, just missing Jennys head to make it 3-0.

The thirds arrived onto the pitch to take on the Old Kingstonian ladies, the weather was fine , no floods or gales upon us ... just fine, with the sun trying to break through the many dark shadows up above, much like the game that was played.

The Ramblers doing their best to keep possession of the ball but the superiority of the Kingstonians was apparent as they knocked in the goals pretty sharpish one after another, our defence worked really hard to stop the balls but hey Mary and her girls dont take a thrashing that easily and they managed to pull out a few tricks and had a couple of shots that should have gone in, but somehow the ball did not want to go into the Kingstonians goal.

It was a hard game, probably more suitable for the level of our 2nds and not the 3rds. After a half time break consisting of a qood team talk and top up of fluids mixed with all manner of toxic concoctions, that the manufacturers and us think make us faster and sharper but really its all in the mind, and another $2.34 from the bank balance in Tesco's, the Ramblers came from the right with the long awaited short corner.

Sue made a sweep to Lou who in turn made a smooth pass to Nicole, and with a great calmness made a run down the wing like a little road runner (beep beep) passing to Ruth who with great skill weaved it through the opposition then passed back to sue who pushed the ball with a bang into the corner of the kingstonians goal.

The girls were elated with their little bouts of good passing and team work even though it was a little spasmodic the goal was like a gift from god and the 10-1 loss was nothing, as lots of hugging, skipping and yahoos can fix everything.

With only 9 mins to go Ruth took a bad hit to her ankle collapsing like a wilted flower looking for mum who came and made it all better.....ah mums eh...

Fables, Fairy Tales, Stories and other ramblings.

I don't think even the most myopic person can truly say that we deserved to win on Saturday. A game that for long periods we did not seem to actually be taking part in. You have to buy a ticket to play the game, and too many people were thinking about the 90 million Eurolottery, rather than playing against Leatherhead.

Too many people had off days and we ended up on the back foot for long periods. But "What If" and "If only" seem to be rearing their ugly heads all too often this season. "If only" the forwards had taken the chance in the opening 60 seconds to score, it may have given some credibility to the overal performance and liftee the team. Sadly, it was not taken and 4 mins later, Leatherhead managed to bundle the ball over the line, despite Goalie Katy making two saves from point blank range.

And then comes, "What If". Somehow, the score remained at 1-0 for almost 3/4 quarters of the match, despite all Leatherheads possession and movement, and any game that you can still keep a foothold in can offer a chance. Although in this case, it was more like the little toe dangling off the end of the pier. Still in it by the grace of god, but very nervous about catching a crab and getting sand between your toes.

Still cannot figure out how we managed to block out Leatherhead, so it must have been the subconcious parts of the brains working overtime. Whatever it was, it may help next week if everyone could actually think about their game plan and open the eyes a bit more, that would help enormously. At times it felt like we were playing monopoly, "Do not pass go, Do not collect $200" as we kept trying to get out of jail. Trouble is we should have been aiming for Hotels on Mayfair, not some old tat on the Old Kent Road as we went round the board. Still, there was the hopefull sight of Dee's Community chest, but we think that was just the red shirt acting up..

So 1-0 down and no sign of any more leaking in, but to be honest we did not start playing like we can until the 2nd goal had gone in 19 mins into the 2nd half. In true Byfleet style, they miss the easier chances and convert the harder one from the top of the 'D'. And despite the big bad wolf impressions, they huffed and they puffed, but were not quite capable of blowing the house down, not by the hair on my chinny, chin, chin..said Katy the goalie.

So now we are 2-0 down we finally decided to turn up and muster some attacks, albeit too little too late. But if you can play so badly for so long and still stay in a game at only 1-0, its a credit to the defence if nothing else. And you always have a chance. Not much of one after this performance, but you are always in there with one.

Next Week we see how Little Miss Muffet gets on..and we follow rumours that Old Macdonald had a farm, but its now been repossessed and Miss Muffet want to build an astro pitch on it..Personally, my moneys on the spider.

Rome was built on 7 hills, but Croydon has more.

Well a cuddly match at 4pm in Croydon at Warlingham school against Kenley 3's was this weeks journey. and thank you most kindly my good fellow. Turn up, lots of talk about the pitch and how my mums front room has a better weave pattern on it.

Overall a tight game that belaid Kenley's League position in Div8, but a great keeper who stopped everything in the 1st half. Including Jane and Debs as they both almost went 2 foot into the air, courtesy of her right foot. And in one of the greatest tactical changes in history, Byfleet ask for the ball to be changed at half time from White to Orange, as they are having trouble seeing it under floodlights. I mean, honestly...they were having trouble seeing the other 11 players on their side at one point. But, within 45 seconds of the restart, Jane Willis collects the pass to slip the ball in for 1-0.( Some people are just born lucky.) amid total justification for Captain Louise and a smug look from Willis.(Jammy)

The 2nds have not quite learned how to close games out and rode their luck all the way through the half as Kenley looked more than capable of snatching an equaliser. The coach always talks about percentage hockey and there was a great example 9 mins from time. A long clearance goes into the Kenley 'D' and no one bothers to follow up. It hits the post and rebounds straight onto the penalty spot. And there is no one there. Follow it in 99 times out of a 100 and you just get close and personal with the goalie. and stretch your legs. But take the chance on that 100th run and you get the easiest goal of your life.

3rds win.

Another good result for the 3rds, bouncing back from last weeks defeat. 3-1 away to Addiscombe 3rds, thanks to the 3 wise ones. After being held at 1-1 at half time thanks to Ruthies goal, Nicole made it 2-1 with a 3rd added by Sue Meacock-Fletcher. Its always good fun playing Addiscombe as th ehospitality is so good afterwards. And the 3rds didn't need asking a second time if they wanted to go back for teas.

No Game

2nds spicey hot one.

Some things puzzle me, like why can't we play like this every week.? And why do those two twins keep getting through on the X Factor.? The 2nds looked hungry and in need of a good game, and not an expedition to Papa Johns Pizza parlour with the free vouchers they had collected from the Sun newspaper. Goals are going to win games, not an Hawaiian with extra pineaple or a meat feast no matter how big your meat balls are, or how far you can ping them from your table to the one in the corner and try to look all inocent when people look up from their salad bowls. Right, apology over.

We should have scored right from the pushback, as Jane Willis somehow managed to slam one the wrong side of the post on 43 seconds. Maybe the meat balls had shifted too far and collided with the Hawaiian.? But after 18 mins, she made amends and it was 1-0 to Byfleet.

Captains lead from the front, and after launching the assault on the Pizza salad bar, there wasn't a beetroot, iceland lettuce or coleslaws chance in hell that Louise Donaldson was going to miss any chance to score. she was given a great ball at the top of the 'D' by Debs and her 1st time shot lashed in wrong footed the keeper 7 mins from the break. Then came the pizza de resistance goal 3 mins later. A great move saw Jane, Carla and Deborah Lewis play one touch passes for Debs to push the ball in for 3-0. They made it look easy, but composure in front of goal counts. And the waiting in the Pizza queue for napkins and extra mustard must have had a big effect and important part in their mental preparation the night before..

Again not sitting back and pushing on, saw Debs add a 4th and her 2nd to put her on another hatrick chance. But it was not all one way traffic, and Mid Surrey had been playing a quiet but self assured game and scored 14 mins into the 2nd half. Nice move finished off with a close range shot for 4-1. Sadly Debs couldn't get her hatrick but a good all round performance.

3rds go navel gazing.

Well it was a shaky start as the Hawks scored 3 in the first 17 mins. They came on thick, fast and furious, not unlike helmans mayonaise with the motto, "Don't save it for the Salad" ,unfortunately the injuries came just as quick. Poor Katy Taylor going in for a tackle, was caught right in the kneecap by a stick following through, and had to be taken to A&E. All she got for her trouble were two stitches and mild tissue damage putting her out of action for about 2 weeks at least.

Sharney had numerous balls into her shins and feet, doing her impression of the riverdance as she kept having to hop off like Mr Flattely. although she wasn't wearing tights like him, which shows just how tough she is..Although she will have several lovely colour bruises from Monday, but at least they will match her eyeshadow.

Not to dwell too much on the injuries, Captain Mary managed to suck a ball into the jaw and there was real concern, because she thought she might have damaged her #200 crown! But luckily it was okay and more like a slap in the face. So no need to melt down the gold jewellery and see the dentist.

Its difficult to pin down just where it went wrong in the first half as the 3rds have been playing so well together at the beginning of the season. It may have been the knock on effect of last weeks game against Old Georgians, the Wicked blues and vodka last night or Mr Scrotes old Cider rejuvination fluid, being knocked back during the week. I only say the last one as it is actually an embrocation and not to be taken orally, and we need to see who has got the keys to the medicine cabinet in training on Thursday.

To be honest, the score doesn't do justice to some of the teams in this league, as some of them were obviously from a higher league than us. Although to be fair we did make it easier for them as we didn't mark as tightly as we can and there was to much running for the ball and not enough short inter-passing.

Got to give credit to Nicole and Ruth who both had a couple of good runs, with Sue"2 bowls of Chips" Fletcher getting her strong sweeps in action. Although why we were trying to clean the Uni's chimneys is a strange one.? Just a blessing that no one ended up talking like Dick Van Dyk from Mary Poppins with his Toally "Believable" English Accent.howwwm duoing Mury Pepins.? It's like he is in the room isn't it.?

Anyway, you came here to read about hockey and thus you shall. Its an old cliche which is much better than an old cloche as the second one does nothing for your cabbages in a bad winter, but the second half performance was fantastic. Captain Mary and the spectators were looking for a positive response from the team, and they got one. and it wasn't the lumps on sharneys legs rising up. They had several shots at goal, but kept a clean sheet for the next 35 mins, which is better than a poke in the eye and probably the only injury that we didn't get on Saturday.

So to the after match refreshements made up mostly of bowls of chips and cups of tea. And the great exclamation from Sharney, look at my belly button I have to keep the wound clean. Only for the mild panic to subside as she proudly showed off her new peircing. A big relief to both umpires, who wondered how they had missed that injury during the game. Apparently it was some tattoist/peircing salon and not some nutter who crept onto the pitch midway through the match armed with a peircing gun. Cos trying to do a tattoo while she was running around would have made it go all wavey.

Paddington Bears the pain.

A 5-2 defeat at the hands of Wayfarers III ended a day that started so well. Two players didn't realise that the game had been moved to 10:30am KCS(New Malden) from a 3:30pm at Kennington Park. Quite honestly, no one was complaining here, nice one.! Oh, but to miss the joys of the drive to Kennington and then play car roulette to see whose wheels, hubcaps, stereo and entire car still remained after the final whistle.

But I digress, and we have the frantic phone call to Mandy, rubbing sleep out of her eyes at 10:15am and wearing her favourite paddington bear t-shirt with kermit the frog slippers, to check she was on her way. Well if she wasn't before, she was 15 seconds after getting the phone call.!

Credit must go to the entire team, after delaying the start the allowed 15 mins, and the extra long team talk for another 5 mins, followed by the amble to the starting positions we finally got under way at 10:53am, but there also ensued the changing of at least one hockey ball as it was covered in mud(a polite view as we all knew what it had got covered in.)

Mandy, driving in from Farnham was hopefully driving like she normally does and burning the rubber and had at this point got to the hoggs back A31 junction. Minus the kermit slippers I may add. But there is still hope for the paddington t-shirt.;-)

Anyway, we must have done something right because during Byfleets first foray into Wayfarers territory A slip from new Rachel gave Karen Billingham the chance to slash a shot in after just 3 mins. Amazing start, its just a pity that we had not learnt from our previous games about keeping it tight after scoring and Wayfarers equalised on 11 mins for 1-1. I mean communication is great but between you and me its a 2 way thing these days.;-O

Cue 20 mins of tit for tat end to end play, as both defences proved how not to defend. But joy unbound, Mandy turned up 15 mins after the start and was subbed on straight away to bolster the midfield, and not even a hint of the cameras on the A3 by New Malden being triggered by the lightning streak of renault clio winging past at light speed..... And on 28 mins after a great spell of Byfleet pressure it was Mandy(who else.?) Alkema who reverse slapped the ball through the keepers legs for 2-1. who said paddington bear t-shirts and kermit slippers were going out of fashion.? They will all be wearing them next week, you mark my words.!. Okay she makes it look good, but green is the new black.

2-1 up with 1 minute to go and its important to communicate on the same wavelength in defence. Its just a shame that half the team were operating on marine frequency 205mhz and the others on airband 43mhz otherwise it would have been great. We all got caught ball watching in the final minute as 3 Byfleet defenders let one lone Wayfarers forward nip in and equalise for 2-2. Very painful, especially as 2 mins before we had a great chance to make it 3-1, only for the shot to be superbly saved by the Wayfarers keeper and no one quick enough to collect the rebound. Small things but they are adding up as the season continues.

Goalkeeper Katy had to leave at half time injured but up stepped Alice to take her place. We had 3 more good chances to get ahead, but we are not taking the chances when they occur, and 3 goals in 5 mins did for us this week. Its the clinical finishing that makes the difference and goals midway through the 2nd half knocked the studffing out of us on 17, 20 and 22 mins.

So a 5-2 loss in a game that we could have got something out of and no excuse of a red beach ball causing us problems like Liverpool, although the umpire did remove a plastic water bottle by the post at one point. Some hope.?.

Debs delight. (or brunettes have more fun apparently.)

After clinching the Div8 title it was strange to be promoted back to , er div8, thanks to the Surrey League and the vagouries of restructures that wouldn't go amiss from a cabinet reshuffle. On the surface to the seasoned politician quite understandable and proper, but complete mystery to the man on the street.

An indifferent start to the season with 1 win and two defeats had left the 2nds midtable with about 5 other teams, but it was old Local rivals Woking this week, so a good performance was required.

And the 2nds did not disappoint, taking control very early. But the final touch eluded them as they had good spells of possession that would have shamed Harry Potter. But on 18 mins, Candice Yeasley, one of the new twins, who confuse our own players let alone the oppo, scored for 1-0. We didn't press home the advantage and it was a nervous half as Woking looked for the breakaway..

Again the 2nd half was dominated by Byfleet, but they could not convert the chances. Finally 20 mins in, Deborah "Deflection" Lewis made it 2-0 and the floodgates opened. Two goals in 1 minute from Debs and Jane Willis made it 4-0 on 24 mins. And another trademark strike by Candice made it 5-0 6 mins from time. There then followed too much politness between Debs and Candice as they were both on hatricks. "you have it". "no you have it my good lady", as the spectators just whispered, "Would one of you just "F***&&^^" hit it in.!!".

And so it was Deborah Lewis who got the hatrick in the final minute, pouncing cat like on a loose ball by the near post for 6-0. And lets face it when she has her fangs and claws out, she is one bad mother.! meooow.! And the amazing thing is that she won player of the match, about as unexpected as Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize. I mean what else has she done.?

A great win and Debs goes home happy in the knowledge that hatricks are not punished by buying all the team drinks. Although something that will be discussed at the next Committee meeting for sure. Compliments to Woking who had some great players and kept fighting all the way through, plus a big thank you to the umpires Paul Bassam and Lynn Kirby for an excellent game.

Heading here.

Match report starts here.